Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize