Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
