i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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