I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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