I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
