Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
