I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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