Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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