I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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