Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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