She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i've created a new STD.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
