you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Still dying that you shit outside
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
