I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize