i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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