how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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