Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
