i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
