He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
