the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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