Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i've created a new STD.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
