End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
