she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
someone owes me an orgasm
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
