When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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