i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
