her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
