You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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