im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
