I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
