his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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