we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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