tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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