I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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