gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
