i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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