Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
