I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
