I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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