I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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