If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
