I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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