I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
