ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
