you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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