Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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