Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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