I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
