my phone needs a breathalizer
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
