I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
