when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize