Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
home. puking in laundry basket.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
