I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize