I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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