Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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