I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
