first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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