The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
