I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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