What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
