gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
