I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this beer tastes like vomit already
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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